What is the utmost goal of every Christian? Or, at least, what should it be? As far as I can tell, the clear answer is “holiness.” We seek to be like the one who came to be like us. As much as we think of ourselves as people who “do” things, who accomplish things, who work and work and work, the reality of the Christian mission is that it’s not so much about a “what” as it is a “who.” We do what Jesus did because we want to be like him. Our life goal is to become saints, those who live with him in heaven forever.

So, how do we get there?

For the past 2000 years, there has been no shortage of treatises and guides. From the lives of the saints to apostolic exhortations written by popes, I could sit here and list hundreds of perspectives on the matter. Many people want to help you become more holy, and I encourage you to read as many of them as you can.

In this video, I’ve decided to take a slightly different approach. Rather than attack the issue head on, offering tips that will help us become holier and closer to Jesus, I’ve decided to present five ways that each of us can become a bit more evil. (Probably not what you were expecting! One commenter wrote that I’ve been in quarantine for too long, and I don’t disagree!)

The idea is simple: sometimes, it’s helpful to look at the opposite of what you want to see how you might be subtly undermining your goals. In this satirical take, I offer five things that are the furthest goals from a Christian life—things that are horrid and absurd and downright unconscionable—to make clear what we must avoid. Even as people seeking holiness, there is a part of us that is still susceptible to evil. We must be on our guard, quick to turn away from it when we find it.