Learning to Say Goodbye

We formed some great relationships at the Jeanne Jugan residence this year.

Today was our last day volunteering at the Jeanne Jugan Residence. After more than seven months of Bingo, room visits, word games, Bible study, and the like, our time came to a close with a farewell “Berry Special Sendoff” (named for the strawberry pound cake that was served). A number of sisters, staff members, and residents came to the microphone to say some kind words, and we had the chance to walk around to all of the tables to say goodbye to the men and women that we had gotten to know so well. The whole day was quite touching, and great way to end.

As I look back on the year and wonder what effect Dennis and I may have had on the residents, I come to realize that this has been just as fulfilling and revelatory for me as it has been for them. Here are two of the things that I found helpful for my future in ministry.

I will grow to love ANY ministry 

Back in September when we were assigned ministry locations, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the prospect of working at a nursing home. Though I was open to the idea, and by no means fought it or showed any disappointment, there was certainly a part of me that wished for something else. Ugh… a nursing home?

What I came to realize was that, even though I wasn’t a part of some newsworthy effort to radically “save the world,” this ministry effected the lives of a number of individuals in a profound way, making it just as worthwhile as anything I could have done. Like the story of the person throwing back starfish into the water despite the impossibility of saving all of them, I realized that “I made a difference to that one!” and that is all that matters!

There’s no doubt that I’ll be placed in ministries throughout my life that are not my “ideal” choices. After having this experience I now know that it doesn’t matter. Every place I go there are going to extraordinary things to be done, incredible people to meet, and discoveries to be made about myself. In the end, if it’s God working through me, who am I to decide where that should and shouldn’t go? Because of this, I think it will be very difficult not to love every ministry as my own after only a short time.

No ministry is mine

This gradual love for each ministry can, however, lead to a different problem: the inability to give it up later. Transitions like the one we made today will more or less dominate the rest of our lives. As transient preachers, Franciscan friars rarely stay in one place forever. Whether it’s three, six, nine, or even twelve years, we all know that our ministry assignments will probably never be permanent, and that at some point we’ll be asked to pack up and move on.

In this way, it can be difficult to realize that no ministry is mine. More than likely a ministry existed before I got there, and most definitely will there be people left behind doing work after I leave. As attached as we may get to a particular place, ministry, or group of people, we must remember that our vocation was not to work in that specific circumstance alone; we were called to spread the Gospel wherever it needs spreading.

As I found out today, this second point is much harder than the first. Just because we live a transient lifestyle does not mean that we do not engage in deeply connected relationships; all it means is that we must cope with letting these connections go shortly after they’re developed. The important thing to remember in all this is that, no matter how difficult it may be to leave a beloved ministry now, there will always be another one prepared for us by God just up ahead. Today, I may have learned how to say goodbye to people I have come to care for greatly, but tomorrow I will begin to say hello once more to the new possibilities that this life has to offer. What a beautiful thing this is, the life of a friar.

 1 Comment

 Posted on May 3, 2012 by

 Formation

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The Clares

With the Capuchin Poor Clares in Wilmington after dinner Sunday night.

One of the things that I’ve learned this year is that I cannot truly know Francis without also knowing Clare.  She was influential in his life around the time of his conversion, was in close relationship with him throughout his religious life, and after his death, she and her order continued to protect Francis’ words and relics from distortion and abuse. Clare’s charism was that of Francis, and Francis’ charism was that of Clare.

While we haven’t devoted a lot of time to Clare in an academic sense [yet], we have spent much of this year developing a relationship with her order of sisters.

Here in Wilmington, the Capuchin Poor Clares at the St. Veronica Guiliani Monastery have been our closest companions. Not only do these sisters host us for Vespers and mass once each per week, they have also included us in two of their sisters’ renewal of vows ceremonies, and invited us to observe Francis’ death and feast in their monastery. Just last evening we were invited into their cloister for a wonderful dinner and more than an hour of laughs. As a bonus, Sister Dolores (kneeling in the front) is also our habit maker and Spanish teacher, and so is very important to many people in our province!

Because our relationship with Clare and her sisters is so important, we have found ourselves venturing great distances from Wilmington to be in relationship with them (and vice versa). The biggest of these gatherings is of course the Franciscan workshop I’ve mentioned in Finally, a Franciscan! and Acting Like Friars at the Graymoor Spiritual Life Center. You can see from the picture that we met a lot of Poor Clares from all over, and that the existence of such a gathering proves the importance of developing a relationship with one another early in the formation process.

The extent of our traveling does not end there, however, as in the past six months we have visited the Clares in Wappinger Falls, NY and Chesterfield, NJ for prayers, mass, and meals. Both of these visits were refreshing (and entertaining!) chances to share our vocational experience with others so close to us on our journey of faith, and to thank those closest to us in prayer for all of their support. I do not believe that the friars would be the way they are today had it not been for the prayers and direction of the Clares throughout our history.

And thus, our relationship must live on beyond initial formation, an outside of formal gatherings. We’ve been given the opportunity to travel as a group to meet a number of excellent monasteries, and now it is up to us to foster these relationships and continue the bond between our two orders. Edgardo and Ramon have already started: this past weekend they took it upon themselves to travel to Langhorne, PA for the solemn profession of one of their sisters. I hope to do the same over my upcoming break and make a trip to see the Traveler’s Rest, SC sisters, where there are a number of wonderful sisters there that have been praying for me and sending me letters throughout the year. How can we possibly be a Franciscan without knowing his sisters? I’m not sure, nor am I going to find out!

 Posted on April 30, 2012 by

 Formation

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Living Together

Just like newlyweds, there will be conflict in new friar communities unless there is mutuality and compromise.

As I mentioned in my last post, A Life to Share, intimacy among brothers is something for which we all strive, and is something I see already present in my life. What I failed to mention in my last post is that being intimate with a brother and living together are completely different things. Ask any newly married couple having just moved in with one another or best friends from high school that decide to share a dorm room in college: living together places a strain on any relationship, no matter how close.

One of the things that our postulant director has said to us early and often is that the source of conflict in religious houses is not theology or politics: it’s kitchens and bathrooms. Domestic disagreements, he says, over how clean an area should be or who’s responsibility it is to do certain chores, is the source of all household conflict.

So far in my experience of fraternal life I would have to agree. The fact of the matter is that there are no universal standards by which one is expected to live. Because each of us were formed by different people in different settings, we each have different expectations for the way things should be, making it inevitable that conflicts will arise. The way the table should be set, the position of the toilet seat when not in use, the length of time clothes may sit in the washer/dryer, the level of dust/grime/stain/smear that is acceptable before something must be cleaned, and the time allowed to clean one’s dishes, are all examples of issues for which there is no “correct” answer; each of us answers them from our own experience before entering community life, and must attempt to integrate them into one another.

When this is not done effectively, I envision one of two things happening:

The first is that the friary can turn into a college apartment. In this setting, cleaning is only done when it is convenient or one’s threshold of disgust is met, allowing for all lifestyle choices to be acceptable. It’s a “if it bothers you, you can clean it” mentality in which the majority of people feel very comfortable in their surroundings, while those few with the highest demand for cleanliness and order are left with the majority of the responsibilities of the house. This is not a desirable living situation because it does not take into consideration the needs of all, and places an unfair burden on the few.

The opposite extreme is just as likely: in order to make those with the highest demand for cleanliness and order feel comfortable, the other guys in the house are required to maintain a pristine level of living, one that far surpasses their own needs. This method guarantees that no brother will feel uncomfortable or taken advantage of, but it also means that the whole house is at the mercy of a few individuals. This is also not a desirable living situation because it does not facilitate dialog or expect each brother to make sacrifices for the sake of all.

Now before I get myself into trouble, neither of these extremes describes the way in which we live here in Wilmington, though I do see elements of both from time to time (as I did also in college and at home.)

Like any group of people trying to live together, what’s needed most is mutuality. Each person needs to recognize that there are many right ways of doing something, and that at times, it’s not only acceptable, it’s necessary, to live by another’s standards. Sometimes that means being patient and accepting the idiosyncrasies of others, either accepting it the way it is or doing a little more work to have it the desired way, while other times it means finding a respectful way to ask a bit more of a housemate. The truth of the matter is that it is all compromise, but that compromise isn’t so bad if all parties are involved in the decision and are equally looking out for their own benefit and the benefit of the whole community.

As I continue in my journey as a franciscan friar, constantly living in fraternity, I need to recognize that I am just as guilty of annoying my fellow brothers as they are me because we come with different expectations for one another. If I fail to recognize this, and seek to live my own lifestyle at the expense of others, living together is going to be very difficult for us all. On the other hand, if I’m open and dedicated to the life of the fraternity, living together will simply be a means by which we may form and nurture meaningful, intimate relationships for the rest of our lives. I guess ultimately the question is this: do I wish to live individually by my own rules, or do I wish to give up some of my own expectations so as to live together, fraternally?

I choose to live together.

 1 Comment

 Posted on April 19, 2012 by

 Formation, Fraternity

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Easter Internships

With Easter comes new life, and new opportunities. Alleluia!

Alleluia! He is risen! I hope and pray that everyone had peace-filled Holy Week and Easter celebrations and that we’re all rejoicing in the newness of life given to us by the resurrected Christ. It can be a very crazy time of the year, especially for those in liturgical ministries, and so I hope it was also a time for prayer and reflection (and not just work!)

One of the particular things that the postulants do for Holy Week each year is to go out on a “mini internship” at one of Holy Name Province’s many ministries. Because no one place could hold all five of us at once, we went out two-by-two (-by-one) to three different locations: Sergio and I went up to Mt. Irenaeus in West Clarksville, NY, Ramon and Dennis went to St. Francis of Assisi Church in Manhattan, and Ed aided St. Paul’s Church here in Wilmington, a place with only one priest to handle all of Holy Week.

One of the things we realized almost immediately was that there was almost nothing in common with any of the three locations. Mt. Irenaeus houses six friars living on a mountain top, hosting 25-50 people at the table for intimate liturgies and inclusive meals in their home; St. Francis of Assisi Church consists of more than 25 friars living in the busiest place in the country, serving literally thousands of people per day in a much more extraordinary, yet anonymous liturgy; and St. Paul’s is run by one friar, and is a niche parish for Spanish speakers in a poor neighborhood of a small city. In terms of ministerial experiences, we could not have been farther away from one another.

And yet, when we shared with one another our experiences of the week, we described our time with the friars and their ministry in almost the exact same way. Though we had seen it briefly in our trips throughout the year, such an experience made it so clear that there is a particular charism that we as friars bring to our life and work that is identifiable no matter the ministry or location.

The most obvious of this was that each ministry was first and foremost a community. Even at St. Paul’s where there is only one friar working at the ministry, each location had at least three friars with which to share meals, pray regularly, and recreate. This is absolutely the cornerstone for our Franciscan life and mission. Unlike most other communities, we were instituted to be a brotherhood, out of which flows ministry, not the other way around. It is only after we establish a healthy, prayerful community can we begin to understand the needs of the community and attempt to fulfill them.

Thus, at all three locations we noticed that the friars collaborated constantly with the laity, choosing to lead with rather than speaking in directives, even if that the latter might be much easier. At the root of this, I believe, is a desire of friars to invite others to enter into each others’ lives, so as to not only teach, but to be taught. To do this, each community finds itself eating, praying, and socializing with the laity outside of normal “work” circumstances, treating each other as equals on the pathway to faith.

At each place, this manifests itself in different ways, but the effect is the same. Whether it’s having a planning meeting before the liturgy so that the laity can not only participate, but add their own gifts to the liturgy, as at Mt. Irenaeus, or it’s making the sacraments accessible to the people, even if it means taking three-hour shifts for 12 hours a day for confession, or saying the first reading in seven different languages, as in NYC, there is inclusivity and humility in the way the friars lead. In all of these cases, it’s not about what the friars want, but rather what the community needs. I believe that it’s this attentiveness to listen and provide that makes us successful in our ministries and inspiring in our lay movements.

* * *

Obviously there was more to the experience than I am able to share, but I do have a number of great pictures here of Mt. Irenaeus for those interested. You can also find a better description of the place there, as well as at their website, http://www.mounti.com/.

 2 Comments

 Posted on April 10, 2012 by

 Postulancy, Trips

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Breaking In The (real) Habit

Because pictures were not allowed tonight, you'll just have to imagine for a little longer...

Up until now, the theme of this blog, a play on words of the attire for a religious, has been nothing more than symbolic, and at times, speculative in nature. The reality is that I cannot break in a physical habit (or be broken in by one) until I actually receive one in December of this year. Or so I thought…

Tonight, we were fitted for what will be our habits during the novitiate year. Because we’ll only be temporary members next year called “novices,” being “fitted” for a habit meant searching through a closet filled with old and worn habits of deceased friars (hoping we could find one even remotely close to our height and with as few rips and stains as possible), instead of being sized for a new, custom made one. It’s a great sign of humility, and for the sake of puns, excellent that I’ll be receiving an already broken in habit. What more could I ask for?

At this point, I’m practically no closer to being a friar than I was two hours ago; the only difference is that I have a ripped, slightly stained habit hanging in my closet waiting to be tailored. But there was something very significant in putting one on, getting to know what it felt like, and seeing what I looked like, all for the first time. Honestly I didn’t want to do any of it yet! Even knowing that it wasn’t real, that it was more like a game of dress-up than anything else, it was still a pretty powerful moment to see myself as a friar.

But for now, it’s back to the normal jeans and a t-shirt, khakis and a button-up for ministry. Come December, though, I might look a little different. The important thing to remember is that my life is being oriented toward the Latin habitus, “putting on a new way of life.” Each day I’m focused on repentance and loving God, no matter what it is I’m wearing throughout my life as a friar, I’ll actually be breaking in the (real) habit and letting it break me into the Kingdom that I seek. Seriously, what more could one ask of this life?

 9 Comments

 Posted on March 28, 2012 by

 Formation

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Breaking In The Habit

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